open letter to the Onion

NGEFTO Circulation

Beto Follows His Vision

On Monday, the wildly charismatic Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke provided clarifying remarks regarding his earlier statement that he was running for President as a result of his vision. “When I first announced that I was running for President, I...

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Quiz Bowl teams rocked by scandal

On Monday, the college Quiz Bowl world was rocked to its core as The University of Chicago was charged with multiple recruiting violations.  If proven, Chicago’s Quiz Bowl team, 25 times national champion, faces the academic death penalty. Preet Vishnu, the NCAA’s...

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Get ready for “Emory Cares”

  Emory University is proud to announce that on January 1, 2019, all students will be required to download the new phone app, “Emory Cares.” Designed to combat aggressive speech, Emory Cares has two main functions.  First, Emory Cares disables the student’s phone...

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Controversy at school board meeting

On Monday, a group of determined parents from Valdosta, Georgia, once again battled with the Lowndes County school board in an effort to force curricula change.  At issue, Lowndes County’s requirement that all students pass Introduction to Football (Football 100) and...

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Trump signs Executive Order

On Thursday, President Trump signed Executive Order 54943 which removes the Star Spangled Banner as the National Anthem and replaces it with Free Bird. In a press conference in the Oval Office, President Trump explained the impetus behind the change: “The War of 1812...

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Emory adopts list of approved words

On Monday, Emory University released its inaugural list of approved words, the “Permitted 200.”  Starting on January 15, 2019, students will be permitted to use these words, and no others, in all classroom discussions. The Permitted 200 marks a major step forward in...

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Local student disciplined

On Monday, the Cook County school board suspended local student, Patrick Schneider.  At issue, Mr. Schneider's conduct during the October SAT exam. Mr. Schneider is a straight A student and nationally ranked quiz bowl player.  He is also captain of his school's math...

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Local Man’s Confession

On Monday, Fred Curnutte admitted to his wife and the world that in fact, he never had herpes. “I came of age in the 70’s” said Curnutte.  “Everyone except me had herpes.  How could I admit to my wife that I was so uncool that no woman had ever given me an STD?”  For...

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Local Competitor Defies the Odds

Over the course of the last month, more than a hundred students at the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics have developed the flu and many have missed as much as three weeks of school.  However, Eric Bettner, the Research Triangle’s highest rated...

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Executive Takes the Offensive

Last Monday, Bank of America Vice President, David Hoagland, announced his plan to address the #MeToo movement. As explained by Hoagland: “you may not have noticed, but many of these #MeToo complaints, maybe even the majority, involve women complaining about advances...

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Contest Winner Disappointed

Brad Tallmadge, of Corbin, Kentucky, is dissatisfied with the outcome of American Express’s “You Decide Your Seatmate” contest. Initiated in 2017, the contest grants two lucky winners per year the opportunity to select a celebrity seatmate who will accompany them on...

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There Can Only Be One

The tension in the Marriott Banquet Room was so palpable you could cut it with a knife. Hundreds of mothers held their breath waiting for the announcement that could bring them the public recognition they so richly deserve.  And then, David Madden, National Tiger Mom...

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Angry Woman Preserves Data

On Monday, Kate Kirk took steps to ensure that her grudges against her ex-husband are preserved forever. NGEFTO interviewed Ms. Kirk who had this to say: “My lawyer asked me not to talk about this.  But I’m pissed off and I want the world to know what an asshole he...

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Baltimore Adopts New Tourism Initiative

On Monday, the Baltimore Department of Tourism announced its newest tourism initiative, “David Simon’s Baltimore: The Murder Tour.” As many will recall, Baltimore is the setting for two of the greatest shows to ever air on television: The Wire and Homicide: Life on...

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Middle Aged Man Sues School Board

On Monday, America's best lessee's rights lawyer and local resident, Ira Kaufman, sued the County School Board because none of his teachers had sex with him while he was a student. Given the onslaught of publicity about teacher-student sexual affairs, Kaufman wants to...

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