NGEFTO Circulation
Beto Follows His Vision
On Monday, the wildly charismatic Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke provided clarifying remarks regarding his earlier statement that he was running for President as a result of his vision. “When I first announced that I was running for President, I...
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Quiz Bowl teams rocked by scandal
On Monday, the college Quiz Bowl world was rocked to its core as The University of Chicago was charged with multiple recruiting violations. If proven, Chicago’s Quiz Bowl team, 25 times national champion, faces the academic death penalty. Preet Vishnu, the NCAA’s...
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Get ready for “Emory Cares”
Emory University is proud to announce that on January 1, 2019, all students will be required to download the new phone app, “Emory Cares.” Designed to combat aggressive speech, Emory Cares has two main functions. First, Emory Cares disables the student’s phone...
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Controversy at school board meeting
On Monday, a group of determined parents from Valdosta, Georgia, once again battled with the Lowndes County school board in an effort to force curricula change. At issue, Lowndes County’s requirement that all students pass Introduction to Football (Football 100) and...
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Trump signs Executive Order
On Thursday, President Trump signed Executive Order 54943 which removes the Star Spangled Banner as the National Anthem and replaces it with Free Bird. In a press conference in the Oval Office, President Trump explained the impetus behind the change: “The War of 1812...
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Moosic Street voted Scranton’s most scenic neighborhood!
Despite strong competition from North Scranton, West Scranton, South Side, East Mountain, and Minooka, Moosic Street has been voted Scranton's most scenic neighborhood. It's the twenty-second year in a row that the local neighborhood has won the coveted title. On...
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Emory adopts list of approved words
On Monday, Emory University released its inaugural list of approved words, the “Permitted 200.” Starting on January 15, 2019, students will be permitted to use these words, and no others, in all classroom discussions. The Permitted 200 marks a major step forward in...
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Local student disciplined
On Monday, the Cook County school board suspended local student, Patrick Schneider. At issue, Mr. Schneider's conduct during the October SAT exam. Mr. Schneider is a straight A student and nationally ranked quiz bowl player. He is also captain of his school's math...
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As Christmas approaches, The LEGO Group fights for its corporate soul
(Billund, Denmark) As the Christmas buying season approaches, a civil war has erupted within the LEGO Group that will define the company for a generation. At issue, the decision whether to market Lego's "Build the Wall" kit during Christmas this year. Earlier this...
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Local Man’s Confession
On Monday, Fred Curnutte admitted to his wife and the world that in fact, he never had herpes. “I came of age in the 70’s” said Curnutte. “Everyone except me had herpes. How could I admit to my wife that I was so uncool that no woman had ever given me an STD?” For...
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Charm City announces new monument in West Baltimore!
On Monday, Quentin St. Hilaire, Baltimore’s Director of Tourism announced that the city plans to erect a monument to Santiago Luis Polanco-Rodríguez (Yayo) at the corner of Baker and McKean in West Baltimore. “We’ve had a tremendous influx of tourists in response to...
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Liberty University announces new scholarships
On Monday, Liberty University announced the creation of 8 new full-tuition scholarships that will be awarded to incoming students beginning with the class of 2020. These students will be known as the “Matthew 28:18-20 Scholars.” According to Liberty University’s...
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And the winner is . . . Amazon Falls!!!
By Louisa Ferncliff, NGEFTO special contributor and former Wichitan After months of speculation, Amazon announced today that its new headquarters will be in Wichita Falls, Texas. Most, both inside and outside of the industry, were stunned, unaware that this city of...
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Local Competitor Defies the Odds
Over the course of the last month, more than a hundred students at the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics have developed the flu and many have missed as much as three weeks of school. However, Eric Bettner, the Research Triangle’s highest rated...
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Executive Takes the Offensive
Last Monday, Bank of America Vice President, David Hoagland, announced his plan to address the #MeToo movement. As explained by Hoagland: “you may not have noticed, but many of these #MeToo complaints, maybe even the majority, involve women complaining about advances...
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Contest Winner Disappointed
Brad Tallmadge, of Corbin, Kentucky, is dissatisfied with the outcome of American Express’s “You Decide Your Seatmate” contest. Initiated in 2017, the contest grants two lucky winners per year the opportunity to select a celebrity seatmate who will accompany them on...
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Halloween Costume is Number #1 with a Bullet!
NGEFTO Style Editor, Louisa Ferncliff. Step aside Prince Harry and Megan, Duchess of Sussex. Move over Kanye and Kim & Donald and Ivanka. Neil and Daryl are the hot “couples” Halloween costume for 2018! Since the announcement of the surprise wedding of veteran...
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There Can Only Be One
The tension in the Marriott Banquet Room was so palpable you could cut it with a knife. Hundreds of mothers held their breath waiting for the announcement that could bring them the public recognition they so richly deserve. And then, David Madden, National Tiger Mom...
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Discovery Channel Cancels Newest Reality Show
On Monday, the Discovery Channel announced the cancelation of its reality television show: “Neil + Daryl, True Love.” “I’m crushed” announced Miramax Producer, Ian Friedman. “When Neil Young and Daryl Hannah got married, I knew I wanted to bring this love story to...
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Angry Woman Preserves Data
On Monday, Kate Kirk took steps to ensure that her grudges against her ex-husband are preserved forever. NGEFTO interviewed Ms. Kirk who had this to say: “My lawyer asked me not to talk about this. But I’m pissed off and I want the world to know what an asshole he...
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Racial Tensions Ready to Erupt—Mayor de Blasio Looks for Solutions
For the third straight day, city leaders desperately looked for solutions to resolve New York City’s escalating racial tensions. At issue, the city’s use of the “white man means walk” signal at New York’s pedestrian street crossings. The protests started six months...
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Woods Wows the Crowd—But Falls Just Short
The St. Louis crowd was with him, his game seemed on form, but in the end Tiger Woods left Hooters alone, unable to close the deal. Formerly a prolific womanizer, on Sunday evening, Woods entered the St. Louis Hooters Restaurant having just finished second in the PGA...
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Gates Foundation’s Initiative To Help The Homeless
NGEFTO Special Contributor, Louisa Ferncliff. On Thursday, the William and Melinda Gates Foundation announced an initiative to provide free cell phone charging stations to the homeless. The project will begin its trial phase with five stations being erected in Los...
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Baltimore Adopts New Tourism Initiative
On Monday, the Baltimore Department of Tourism announced its newest tourism initiative, “David Simon’s Baltimore: The Murder Tour.” As many will recall, Baltimore is the setting for two of the greatest shows to ever air on television: The Wire and Homicide: Life on...
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American Airlines Announces New Business Class: CONCIERGE @ HOME™
Business travelers throughout the United States are buzzing with excitement over American Airlines’ new business class service: CONCIERGE @ HOME™. For years, masochistic business travelers have paid American Airlines to pretend to fly them to their destination while...
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New Discovery Channel Series Announced
On Monday, the Discovery Channel announced its newest reality series: Rednecks vs. ISIS--Only the Strong Survive. The show starts on August 6, 2018, and will air in the 8:00 p.m. time slot. In this exciting new series, an ISIS training camp has been established...
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Middle-aged Male Make a Wish Foundation Shuts Its doors
After years of quietly working to grant the unfulfilled wishes of middle-aged men, the Middle-aged Male Make a Wish Foundation has shut its doors. Fred Curnutte, the Foundation’s Director spoke to the Not Good Enough For The Onion on Monday. “As the only charity in...
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Carter White House: Hookers and Blow 24/7
On Monday, Jimmy Carter finally confirmed long standing rumors regarding prostitutes and cocaine use in the Carter White House. Carter, one of our most cerebral Presidents, was publicly known for his humanitarian programs and relentless pursuit of peace in the...
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Middle Aged Man Sues School Board
On Monday, America's best lessee's rights lawyer and local resident, Ira Kaufman, sued the County School Board because none of his teachers had sex with him while he was a student. Given the onslaught of publicity about teacher-student sexual affairs, Kaufman wants to...
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Local Couple Admit: Son is not that Smart
On Monday, a local Indian couple, the Patels, admitted to themselves and the world, that their 17 year-old son isn’t very smart. “Let me just say this first: we have two daughters and they are both very smart!” said Ms. Patel. Most notably, their oldest daughter,...
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