On Monday, the Discovery Channel announced its newest reality series: Rednecks vs. ISIS–Only the Strong Survive. The show starts on August 6, 2018, and will air in the 8:00 p.m. time slot.
In this exciting new series, an ISIS training camp has been established in rural Northern Georgia. The camp, which has been provided to ISIS free of charge, contains 1,000 acres of land, perimeter fencing, living quarters, infrastructure, shooting ranges, power, telephone, internet, and all-terrain vehicles. Sounds like a sweet deal right? However, following their training the ISIS recruits will have to exit the camp and make their way through the local populace in order to return to civilization.
NGEFTO interviewed Cody Lee and KayLee Sanford who live next to the camp. According to Mr. Sanford: “It’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong, brother. I want to see an ISIS terrorist make it past my house. I’m sighted in and I got night vision out the ying-yang. And that ain’t all–but the rest is need to know. Any terrorist makes it past me is the better man.” Offered the opportunity to comment on this story, ISIS issued the following statement: “Prepare to be defeated. The glory is to the Prophet.”
After years of quietly working to grant the unfulfilled wishes of middle-aged men, the Middle-aged Male Make a Wish Foundation has shut its doors.
Fred Curnutte, the Foundation’s Director spoke to the Not Good Enough For The Onion on Monday. “As the only charity in the United States that focused on the unfulfilled wishes of middle-aged men, I thought we served an important function.” However, the charity was able to grant only a very small portion of the requests. Statistics show that 71% of middle-aged males’ unfulfilled wishes involve having sex with an ex-girlfriend or Megan Fox. The Foundation was simply unable to grant these wishes. As explained by Mr. Curnutte: “We just couldn’t fulfill the majority of the wishes—many of the high school girlfriends had moved on and Megan Fox just laughed at us. It was depressing, so we just want to end the program and move on.”
On Monday, America’s best lessee’s rights lawyer and local resident, Ira Kaufman, sued the County School Board because none of his teachers had sex with him while he was a student.
Given the onslaught of publicity about teacher-student sexual affairs, Kaufman wants to know why he was left out. “My Father was disappointed and thought I was a loser. He knew none of the teachers thought I was hot enough to have sex with.” Students who were in school with Mr. Kaufman at the time state they will testify on behalf of the school board. “Ira was cool–but clearly not ‘have sex with a student cool.’ I fully support Ms. Muldoon’s decision to have sex with other students and not Ira” stated one fellow student who wishes to remain anonymous.
Kaufman seeks $7.6 million or an apology and a written statement by Ms. Muldoon that if she had it to do all over again, she would have sex with him.
On Monday, a local Indian couple, the Patels, admitted to themselves and the world, that their 17 year-old son isn’t very smart.
“Let me just say this first: we have two daughters and they are both very smart!” said Ms. Patel. Most notably, their oldest daughter, Anaya won both the New York State Spelling Bee and the Geography Bee. Their middle daughter, Vara, taught herself calculus in Ninth grade and was a National Merit Semifinalist.
“But Vishnu just isn’t as smart as his sisters. Even after the SAT prep class he only got the 97th percentile. Both his sisters were 99!” When pressed, the Patels conceded that Vishnu has been admitted into college. “But it’s a state school,” qualified Ms. Patel, “All of our friends’ children are going to private schools.” When asked to speak on the issue, Dr. Patel stated: “Vishnu is good at soccer. But we have resigned ourselves to the fact that he will never support us in our old age.”