On Monday, America’s best lessee’s rights lawyer and local resident, Ira Kaufman, sued the County School Board because none of his teachers had sex with him while he was a student.

Given the onslaught of publicity about teacher-student sexual affairs, Kaufman wants to know why he was left out.  “My Father was disappointed and thought I was a loser. He knew none of the teachers thought I was hot enough to have sex with.”   Students who were in school with Mr. Kaufman at the time state they will testify on behalf of the school board. “Ira was cool–but clearly not ‘have sex with a student cool.’  I fully support Ms. Muldoon’s decision to have sex with other students and not Ira” stated one fellow student who wishes to remain anonymous.  

Kaufman seeks $7.6 million or an apology and a written statement by Ms. Muldoon that if she had it to do all over again, she would have sex with him.