Angry Woman Preserves Data

Angry Woman Preserves Data

On Monday, Kate Kirk took steps to ensure that her grudges against her ex-husband are preserved forever.

NGEFTO interviewed Ms. Kirk who had this to say: “My lawyer asked me not to talk about this.  But I’m pissed off and I want the world to know what an asshole he is.  And what would happen if I got in a car wreck and died?  If there is a heaven or hell, it would be okay because then I will be able to tell even more people, including his Mother and Father, what I really think about him.  But what if there is no afterlife—the message would die with me!  Think about that for a second!”

Ms. Kirk has uploaded all of her complaints about her ex-husband on to a portable hard drive and has made a bequest to the University of Pittsburgh’s computer science department to ensure that the hard drive will be preserved in perpetuity.  As a back-up plan, she has left a written record on acid-free paper, has created a website (www.fuckhim.com), and told her story to NPR’s Story Corps.  “I’ve taken every reasonable step to tell future generations that he was an asshole” said Ms. Kirk.

Ms. Kirk’s ex-husband, David Kirk, was given an opportunity to comment on this story but declined.

Racial Tensions Ready to Erupt—Mayor de Blasio Looks for Solutions

Racial Tensions Ready to Erupt—Mayor de Blasio Looks for Solutions

For the third straight day, city leaders desperately looked for solutions to resolve New York City’s escalating racial tensions.  At issue, the city’s use of the “white man means walk” signal at New York’s pedestrian street crossings.

The protests started six months ago when persons of color began refusing to cross the street at intersections marked by the offensive signal.  Initially, the protests were small and nonviolent.  However, in July the movement reached a critical mass when activists pointed out that the choice to use the symbol for a “man” rather than a non-gendered person, reinforced gender stereotypes as well.  Ten days ago, the protests turned violent.  In addition to the specter of additional demonstrations, transportation and vehicular traffic has come to a halt as thousands of protesting citizens have engaged in a campaign of “militant” jaywalking.

On Friday, Mayor de Blasio issued the following statement: “I am ashamed of the decision of prior administrations to install these offensive street signals.  I acknowledge they are racially insensitive.   It saddens me that prior generations thought it was acceptable to use a “white man” to signal “good” and a “red man” to signal “bad.”  I agree that our initial proposal to solve the problem by installing traffic signals that said “walk” and “stop” was misguided.  As soon as it was pointed out to me that this reinforced the cultural stereotype that English is a mandatory language, I immediately appointed a task force to study this problem.  However, it’s going to take us years to come to a solution and implement it.  There are over 500,000 street crossing signals in the five boroughs and it is going to cost several billion dollars to replace them.  I ask New Yorkers to pull together at this divisive moment and allow my Administration a three-month grace period to propose our solution.  We are stronger when we stand together.”

Geneva Hall, an assistant professor of Sociology at Columbia University, has been appointed to head Mayor de Blasio’s committee tasked with solving this issue.  On Saturday, NGEFTO spoke with Professor Hall, who offered the following: “Symbols matter.  And it was long overdue for the city to acknowledge its callousness in choosing a simulacrum of a white man to tell women and persons of color whether they can walk or not walk.  The smugness and patriarchy reinforced by these signals is chilling.  It’s one step away from fascism!  We are going to solve this problem in a way that empowers all New Yorkers, rather than the privileged few, to feel good about their decision to cross the street.”

Woods Wows the Crowd—But Falls Just Short

Woods Wows the Crowd—But Falls Just Short

The St. Louis crowd was with him, his game seemed on form, but in the end Tiger Woods left Hooters alone, unable to close the deal.

Formerly a prolific womanizer, on Sunday evening, Woods entered the St. Louis Hooters Restaurant having just finished second in the PGA championship.  Sensing that after a decade long slump Woods had regained his confidence, fellow patrons anticipated that he would have little difficulty picking up one of the restaurant’s waitresses as he so often did in his prime.  But Woods committed several missteps at critical moments and in the end, it was not to be.

NGEFTO has secured an exclusive interview with Brandi Jones, age 19, the Hooters’ waitress who was the object of Mr. Woods’ efforts.  Ms. Jones offered the following account: “Oh, it was close.  He’s a good-looking man.  And when he dropped that second-place check for $1 million dollars on the table and asked me if I had ever flown in a G6, don’t think I didn’t consider it!  But the whole thing just didn’t feel right.  Although I thought he was an athlete, I didn’t know who he was.  I was pretty sure that he was that boxer that I saw on ESPN’s 30 for 30 that owned a tiger and was married to Robin Givens.  And that guy beat his wife up so I was nervous.  When I told him that my Dad thought he was the best boxer ever—he didn’t like that.  Then he started trying to impress me by asking if I had seen him win this tournament or that tournament, and it turned out that I was in fourth grade the last time he won.  But the point where he lost me was when he started talking about winning the Masters in 1998.  That was a year before I was born!  Yuck!  When I realized he was older than my Dad, I told him that this wasn’t gonna happen and he got a little miffed.  I made the right call!”

Sir Nick Faldo, the only other golfer to have won five or more majors and to have his car attacked by a golf club wielding significant other (Here), reported on the event for CBS.  Sir Nick offered the following: “We can’t rush him.  I know from personal experience that having an angry woman attack your car with a golf club slows you down for a while.  When my girlfriend attacked my Porsche 959 with a 9 iron, it took me years to get back on form!   But that was a bold move, dropping a million dollar check on the table like it was naught, and I thought “He’s got the old swagger, hasn’t he?” We haven’t seen the last of Tiger—his time is coming soon.  Even though he came up short today, this was a moral victory.”

Gates Foundation’s Initiative To Help The Homeless

Gates Foundation’s Initiative To Help The Homeless

NGEFTO Special Contributor, Louisa Ferncliff.

On Thursday, the William and Melinda Gates Foundation announced an initiative to provide free cell phone charging stations to the homeless.   The project will begin its trial phase with five stations being erected in Los Angeles’ Skid Row.   The stations, which are designed to look like fruit trees, each have 64 USB outlets.

Foundation spokesperson, Rafe Norton, said, “We are all familiar with the challenges the Homeless face on a daily basis:  lack of access to clean drinking water and food, sanitary facilities, and a safe place to sleep, just to name a few.   In the last ten years, another urgent need of the Homeless has become apparent.   Where can a homeless person charge their cell phone?  Although cell phones are ubiquitous in our society, many people remain unaware that over 80% of homeless people have a cell phone and that keeping it charged is a challenge.  Many of these cell phones are older models with aging batteries.  The Gates Foundation wants to provide the homeless with a safe and free way to keep their phones charged!”

If the project proves successful, The Gates Foundation hopes to install 100,000 additional charging stations in areas across the county with significant homeless populations.  They also plan to convert from the bulky USB stations to cordless stations as the homeless upgrade their phones.  Additional work is being done at this time to create new USB trees that match the indigenous flora  in future locations.  “We will never be able to eradicate homelessness,” Norton concluded, “but we can make it better.”

Baltimore Adopts New Tourism Initiative

Baltimore Adopts New Tourism Initiative

On Monday, the Baltimore Department of Tourism announced its newest tourism initiative, “David Simon’s Baltimore: The Murder Tour.”

As many will recall, Baltimore is the setting for two of the greatest shows to ever air on television: The Wire and Homicide: Life on the Street.  Written by Mr. Simon, both of these shows focus on Baltimore’s police department and the city’s gritty, drug and crime-ridden inner-city neighborhoods.

As explained by Quentin St. Hilaire, Baltimore’s Director of Tourism, the city has decided to leverage that fame into greater tourism dollars.  “We’re already one of the greatest tourist cities in America.  We’ve got Camden Yards, the Ravens, the Aquarium, Inner Harbor, and Edgar Allen Poe’s grave.  Now, we’re going to take the city to the next level with the Murder tour!  I’m so excited about the way that this tour will showcase Baltimore’s best features.  We’ll start at the dock and see the actual shipping container where the 13 Eastern European prostitutes were found dead in Season 2.  We’ll see the street corner where Wallace was murdered by his childhood friends Bodie and Poot.  We’ll see the streets of Hamsterdam where cracked-out zombies wander around.  We’ll end the tour at the vacants where Detective Freamon discovered all of the dead bodies in Season 4.  And there are too many murders to mention in between.  This tour has something for everyone and Baltimore is the star!”

The city is in negotiation with Idris Elba (Stringer Bell) and Felica Pearson (Snoop) to be the official spokespersons of the Murder Tour.

NGEFTO asked local soccer mom, Geneva Hall, if she will be taking her daughters on the David Simon’s Baltimore: The Murder Tour.  Ms. Hall responded: “Are you high?  I love The Wire and I like Baltimore, but that doesn’t mean this tour is a good idea.  Who would want to take their kids to see a shipping container where prostitutes were murdered or to Hamsterdam to see druggie zombies?  Or to go to some vacant house where a bunch of dead bodies were put inside the walls?  When the Halls go to Baltimore, we’re going to the Aquarium.”  Mr. St. Hilaire provided the following comment on this negative reaction: “While I respect her suburban values, clearly, she doesn’t see the big picture.”