Business travelers throughout the United States are buzzing with excitement over American Airlines’ new business class service: CONCIERGE @ HOME.

For years, masochistic business travelers have paid American Airlines to pretend to fly them to their destination while actually stranding them in the E Terminal at the Charlotte airport. However, in the last decade American has come under heavy criticism due to the carbon emissions from the idling engines of the decoy planes scattered on various runways throughout the United States. Additionally, now that business travelers can remotely participate in meetings through GoToMeeting and Zoom, it has become harder to justify the ritualized process of missing important meetings by pretending to fly to them on American Airlines.

In a bold stroke that is sure to capture market share, American has solved all of these problems with CONCIERGE @ HOME. With this new service, business travelers never have to leave their house. Instead, they pay American to provide its hallmark shitty service to them in the comfort of their own home.

At a press conference on Monday, Robert Isom, President of American Airlines, announced the new service: “We’re thrilled to offer CONCIERGE @ HOMEto business travelers. We promise to bring the same shitty service to your home that you have come to expect from us. We’ll play endless messages over a loud speaker instructing you to do meaningless things. We’ll belt you to uncomfortable chairs for hours. Our gate attendants will be clueless yet rude. We’ll refuse to give you honest information about when your experience will end. And when it’s over, you’ll be exactly where you started. I promise that you are going to love CONCIERGE @ HOMEeven more than our regular service.”

America’s leading lessee’s rights lawyer, Ira Kaufman, is thrilled with CONCIERGE @ HOME™: “It’s a clear win-win. I can get the same shitty service in my apartment without having to take a cab to Laguardia! Plus, after the attendant is rude to me for a set period while I sit in a small chair in my kitchen, I can then actually attend my business meeting over the internet! And the environment will suffer no damage. I am so thankful for CONCIERGE @ HOME™, it’s going to be my first option for business travel!”