Last Monday, Bank of America Vice President, David Hoagland, announced his plan to address the #MeToo movement.
As explained by Hoagland: “you may not have noticed, but many of these #MeToo complaints, maybe even the majority, involve women complaining about advances by men. I am starting to think that there might be more to this than meets the eye–maybe a gender agenda. Enough said, I’m sure you understand what I am talking about. And I have decided to do something about it. From this point forward, when women that I supervise or mentor at Bank of America want to have a physical relationship with me, they are going to have to initiate it! Booyah. We’ll see how the #MeToo movement likes those apples! ”
Brad Tallmadge, of Corbin, Kentucky, is dissatisfied with the outcome of American Express’s “You Decide Your Seatmate” contest. Initiated in 2017, the contest grants two lucky winners per year the opportunity to select a celebrity seatmate who will accompany them on an all-expenses paid weekend trip to the destination of their choice. Tallmadge, the lucky winner, selected Jesus to be his traveling companion on a trip to Cancun.
According to Tallmadge: “I thought it was a no-brainer to pick Jesus! Who hasn’t wanted to talk to Jesus?” But unfortunately, things quickly went awry. “I thought Jesus was going to be white. But he is a middle eastern looking guy. And when we got to the Charlotte airport and entered the TSA precheck line, they took one look at me and this middle eastern guy in a robe and they profiled the shit out of us. They asked me several times if we were traveling together and I said “no”—but then I remembered that was what Peter did, and I manned up and told them I was rolling with Jesus.”
After exhaustive screening, the pair was allowed to continue on their flight to Cancun. But on the flight things did not improve. “Jesus kept speaking to me in some language other than English” said Tallmadge. “And one of the guys in first class explained to me that Jesus was speaking Aramaic. But Google translate doesn’t even carry Aramaic! And he didn’t perform a single miracle during the whole weekend! The only good thing I can say about the trip is that a lot of women hit on us—Jesus is really big in Mexico.”
Asked if he would choose differently if given a redo, Corbin offered the following: “Yes, if I had it to do all over again I would pick Baby Jesus! That way you could get all of the good with none of the down side. But even though it wasn’t the dream trip I planned, I am one of the few people that can say they went to Cancun with Jesus. Thank you American Express.”
Step aside Prince Harry and Megan, Duchess of Sussex. Move over Kanye and Kim & Donald and Ivanka. Neil and Daryl are the hot “couples” Halloween costume for 2018! Since the announcement of the surprise wedding of veteran rocker Neil Young and aging activist actress Daryl Hannah, searches for costumes of the pair are blowing up the web.
“This is the perfect couples costume” gushed Diane Bradley of CoolCostumes.com. The Neil+Daryl ™ ensemble envisions Young as a wild-haired, grizzled, beflanneled, rockstar accompanied by a Splash-era, mermaid Hannah. “It really is the perfect couples costume,” Bradley enthused. “It allows the guy to be super-comfy and almost not dress up, while the woman gets to put on a skin-tight, slinky, mermaid outfit. What woman doesn’t dream of being a mermaid? You get to look sexy, and maybe a little slutty, and isn’t that what Halloween is all about?”
While the shock wedding announcement has left some manufactures and suppliers scrambling, Bradley feels pretty good about the upcoming Halloween season. “Of course, the timing of the wedding announcement was not ideal, coming only 6 weeks before October 31st, but we’re going all out to make sure that our Neil+Daryl ™ costume is ready for sale ASAP!” When asked if she would have trouble delivering the ensemble in time, Bradley was optimistic. “It’s all about branding and packaging. We’ve created the “Neil” part of the costume from a mix of slow-selling lumberjack shirts, rebranded Bernie Sanders wigs, and Twilight werewolf fur. As for “Daryl,” that’s easy. Mermaids are trending right now and long blond “beach” hair wigs are always a hot-seller, year ‘round. We are ready to rock you like a hurricane this Fall!”
When asked to comment on the trend, Mr. Young stated: “Our love is like puke; it’s messy, but you feel better when it’s outside rather than inside. Happy Halloween Cinnamon Girl.” Although NGEFTO is struggling to understand the meaning of Mr. Young’s comment, we only report the news—we don’t make it.
The tension in the Marriott Banquet Room was so palpable you could cut it with a knife. Hundreds of mothers held their breath waiting for the announcement that could bring them the public recognition they so richly deserve. And then, David Madden, National Tiger Mom of the Year President™, announced over the loud speaker: “Ms. Sumithra Krishnathes of Arlington, Virginia, you are the 2018 National Tiger Mom of the Year™!” And although some shook their heads in shame and scolded their child, the majority rushed to Dr. and Ms. Krishnathes to offer congratulations and to ask advice on how to best prepare their child to shower themselves in glory.
The competition is held every year at the Crystal Gateway Marriott in Crystal City, Virginia. In the varsity division, tenth graders from all over America compete in the grueling weeklong academic competition vying to win the honor for their mother. The competition includes examinations in geography, physics, biology, history, performance on a musical instrument, and calculus, with the highest overall score determining the winner. This year’s competition was especially close, with six students within 3 points of each other following the penultimate examination. And at that point, Jeeya Krishnathes rose to the challenge and scored a perfect 200 on the calculus exam to secure the win for her mother.
When asked her secret, Ms. Krishnathes responded as follows: “Jeeya is a good girl and I thought she might win. She came in third in the junior varsity division last year and second in the middle school division in 2016. The old format was bad for her because it required her to play the violin whereas Jeeya is best at the cello. Now that the students can play the instrument of their choice—I knew I was the Mom to beat. Jeeya’s math tutor has worked with her for 11 years and she shares in the glory of Jeeya’s perfect score! All of the other moms want to know my secrets for preparing Jeeya but I cannot share them because her younger brother Sohan will be competing 3 years from now!”
As the winner, Jeeya will be admitted to Stanford. Stanford’s President, Marc Tessier-Lavigne, offered the following comments: “Stanford views it as a public service to immediately announce that it will admit the child of the winner of The National Tiger Mom of the Year.™ These poor kids have been subjected to an academic regime that most people can’t imagine. By guaranteeing Jeeya a spot in the Stanford class of 2024, we can allow her some semblance of a normal childhood for her junior and senior years. And Ms. Krishnathes gets two extra years to brag that her daughter has been admitted into Stanford! And let’s face it, isn’t that what this is all about?”
On Monday, the Discovery Channel announced the cancelation of its reality television show: “Neil + Daryl, True Love.”
“I’m crushed” announced Miramax Producer, Ian Friedman. “When Neil Young and Daryl Hannah got married, I knew I wanted to bring this love story to television. It was my favorite concept ever and the pilot was perfect. But it just didn’t resonate with our audience. Neil is so burned out and Daryl is so weird, that you just can’t connect with them unless you are French or high. Everything they say is part banal, part performance art and no one can tell the difference. I still have hopes that we can release the show in France but in the American and Canadian markets it’s DOA.”
When asked to comment, Mr. Young offered the following: “Your path and my path are u-turns in a parking lot. Our love is like puke, it’s messy but it feels better when its outside.” Although Ms. Hannah refused to comment, she lit a match and stared intensely at this reporter.