Local Man’s Confession

Local Man’s Confession

On Monday, Fred Curnutte admitted to his wife and the world that in fact, he never had herpes.

“I came of age in the 70’s” said Curnutte.  “Everyone except me had herpes.  How could I admit to my wife that I was so uncool that no woman had ever given me an STD?”  For 38 years Curnutte faked an outbreak once a year to bolster his story.  “I pretended to start having an outbreak right before my golf trip and when I came home I would say that I had recovered.   I even had my doctor prescribe acyclovir, for God’s sake.  I’m not proud of my behavior—but at least I had the courage to finally come clean.”

Fred’s wife, Brenda Curnutte, had this to say: “I won’t lie—it’s going to be hard to recover from this serial dishonesty.  But we’ve been married for almost 40 years so I will probably give him a second chance.  I’m just pissed at myself for being so naïve.”

NGEFTO contacted John Weber, head of Epidemiology at the CDC, who confirms this is not an isolated incident.  “We only know about the tip of the iceberg.  We believe that as many as 1 in 10 baby boomers falsely claim that they have been infected with an STD or hepatitis C.  The best policy is to trust–but also verify.  My advice is to insist on a letter from a doctor that confirms the alleged diagnosis.”

Charm City announces new monument in West Baltimore!

Charm City announces new monument in West Baltimore!

On Monday, Quentin St. Hilaire, Baltimore’s Director of Tourism announced that the city plans to erect a monument to Santiago Luis Polanco-Rodríguez (Yayo) at the corner of Baker and McKean in West Baltimore.

“We’ve had a tremendous influx of tourists in response to the Murder Tour (here) and this is the natural extension of that success.  As the first person to sell crack in the United States, Yayo has had a huge impact on the Charm City and we want to recognize his unique contribution” said Hilaire in a recent interview.  “And we understand that there are some haters that want to only point to the negative side of the crack industry.  But we choose to emphasize the positives, including, the entrepreneurship embodied by West Baltimore’s most important industry.  If you can show me someone that has had a larger impact on the economy of West Baltimore, I’ll build a monument to him or her too!”

Local soccer mom, Geneva Hall, says that you can mark her down as one of the haters.  “This is even dumber than the Murder Tour!” exclaimed Hall.  “What mom is going to take her kids to see a statute of the first person to sell crack in the United States?  I’m shaking my head at how dumb this idea is—thank God I can still take my kids to the Aquarium.”

Mr. St. Hilaire provided the following comment on this negative reaction: “Clearly, she still doesn’t see the big picture.  Our Murder Tour is now more popular than the Inner Harbor.  And I get that she doesn’t like crack—most soccer moms don’t.  But putting aside her implicit racism, it’s important that we take ownership of Yayo’s contribution to our local economy.  Particularly, before New York wakes up and tries to claim Yayo as one of their own.  I’m very pleased that we beat them to the punch.”

Liberty University announces new scholarships

Liberty University announces new scholarships

On Monday, Liberty University announced the creation of 8 new full-tuition scholarships that will be awarded to incoming students beginning with the class of 2020.  These students will be known as the “Matthew 28:18-20 Scholars.”

According to Liberty University’s President, Jerry Falwell, Jr., these are the first scholarships in America reserved exclusively for first generation Christians.  “Other schools give scholarships based on athletics or academics.  But that is not what we are all about at Liberty—although we do have a really good football team.  The Matthew 28:18-20 Scholarships are reserved solely for children who were raised by non-Christians.  And the sole criterion will be—how much do these young men and women love Jesus!”

The creation of these scholarships has sharply divided Liberty’s campus.  Many of the faculty, students, and alumni believe that it is unfair for the University to give preference to first generation Christians. “My ancestors were Christians for more than 80 generations” stated Fred Tweedy, a sophomore.  “Why should a first-generation Christian get preferential treatment as opposed to me?  That’s just not fair.”

However, Falwell vigorously defended the new program.  “It’s easy to be a Christian if you have been raised by Christians.  However, these kids have been raised by atheists.  Instead of worshipping the Lord, their parents worshipped false idols.  Some of them were even raised by Unitarians.  But despite the fact the deck was stacked against them, these students overcame the odds and found Jesus.  That’s what we are all about at Liberty—finding Jesus.  Engaging in this kind of affirmative action is the only way we are going to have a level religious playing field in this country.”

However, the strongest challenge to the new program may come from without, as Edward Blum of Students for Fair Admissions has announced that the group will challenge the new scholarships as unfair to multi-generational Christians.  Falwell is undeterred: “Bring it brother.  I’ll walk into that court room, look them in the eye and say ‘Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world’ and then I am going to drop the mic and say ‘Amen.’  Think about that, Brother Blum.”

And the winner is . . .  Amazon Falls!!!

And the winner is . . . Amazon Falls!!!

By Louisa Ferncliff, NGEFTO special contributor and former Wichitan

After months of speculation, Amazon announced today that its new headquarters will be in Wichita Falls, Texas.   Most, both inside and outside of the industry, were stunned, unaware that this city of 100,000 nestled in the southeast corner of the Texas panhandle in a region called the “armpit of Oklahoma”, existed.  Wichita Falls mayor Keith “Duke” Farley explained, “Other competitors were skeptical of our bid—some even laughed about it.  But the city council got a serious proposal together.  Never in a million years did I think we’d win but who’s laughing now!”

NGEFTO asked Roger Haskins, adjunct professor of Technology in Society Studies at Midwestern State University in Wichita Falls, what he considers to be the city’s winning formula.  “No other city has the Professional Wrestling Hall of Fame and Museum and the World’s littlest skyscraper!  And the city is zoned strip mall ready.  Most importantly, culturally, Wichita Falls is a blank slate.  There is no pre-existing culture to contend with.  Amazon will be able to mold the city however it sees fit.  Although, doing business on Sunday is off limits.  Furthermore, geographically speaking, the city is surrounded by undeveloped, flat, treeless land as far as the eye can see.  Cheap land that is ready to be developed with minimal bulldozing will be a huge savings for the company.”

Amazon spokesperson Barry Handler added, “I know there was been some criticism of the choice of Wichita Falls as it only has a commuter airport and high winds prevent most of the flights from taking off or landing.  However, DFW airport is only 100 miles to the southeast.  Our traffic engineers determined that due to traffic patterns, it is actually quicker to drive from Wichita Falls to DFW than from Dallas to DFW.  We are also exploring the option of building a high speed rail between Wichita Falls and DFW in the future.  The fact that Wichita Falls has been able to handle the crowds at the Professional Wrestling Hall of Fame tells us it has the infrastructure to get the job done.”

In addition to providing tax incentives, infrastructure support and the cooperation of local government, the city of Wichita Falls has also agreed to change it’s name to reflect its ties with the company.  After much contentious debate on all sides, the name Amazon Falls, was settled on.  Mayor Farley laughs, “Wichita was no good anyway, can’t spell it and everyone always thought we were in Kansas.  Now the actual falls are long gone, but it sure sounds pretty.”

Former Wichitan, the novelist Larry McMurtry, who once had a character describe the city as ”the ugliest place on earth,” declined NGEFTO’s request for an interview.

Local Competitor Defies the Odds

Local Competitor Defies the Odds

Over the course of the last month, more than a hundred students at the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics have developed the flu and many have missed as much as three weeks of school.  However, Eric Bettner, the Research Triangle’s highest rated self-disinfecter, has remained healthy throughout!

Once the exclusive province of obsessive compulsive recluses, self-disinfection has become America’s fastest growing sport.  Competitors are graded on a combination of the risks they are willing to take and the grace and determination with which they practice disinfection.  For example, some competitors seek higher scores by braving riskier environments (think day care centers, pediatric offices, and airports) whereas others choose light bacterial loads and focus on the rigor of their disinfection regime.

Eric combines the best of both worlds.  He bravely walks through the halls of his flu-ridden high school every day.   And his self-disinfection regime is second to none.  He washes his hands more than 100 times a day and frequently rubs Purell over every inch of exposed skin.  According to experts, it’s rare to see a competitor so young with so much panache and discipline.

NGEFTO conducted an exclusive interview with Eric’s Coach, Dr. Switzer, who offered the following: “When Eric got to middle school I started to hear the buzz.  You know how it is—parents and middle school coaches always want to talk their kids up as the next great thing.  But when I saw the YouTube video in which he filled an entire bath tub with hand sanitizer and jumped in—I knew this kid was something special.  And when I met him, my initial impression was confirmed—I could immediately tell that his OCD was strong enough that with a little help, he could go all the way!”

After three years of working together, Coach Switzer has taken Eric’s raw talent and turned him into a world class athlete.  “Eric and I took his game to the next level with our red-zone disinfection protocol.  Before and after every class he wipes his hands, face, pencils, books, and binders with Purell. He takes a shower every morning and evening.  He eats with his left hand only and performs all other tasks with his right.  The coup de grace was when he started to wear his surgical mask when he walked through the halls at school.  This kid has all the skills.”

(At left–actual picture of Eric’s large and small sanitizer supply).  Eric is Purell’s first sponsored high school student.  In this role, he frequently posts YouTube videos extolling Purell with Aloe, his favorite sanitizer.  As explained by Eric, “I love Purell.  Being their youngest sponsored athlete is a dream come true.  Beware of generic hand sanitizers—they are not your friend.”