On Thursday, President Trump signed Executive Order 54943 which removes the Star Spangled Banner as the National Anthem and replaces it with Free Bird.
In a press conference in the Oval Office, President Trump explained the impetus behind the change: “The War of 1812 was a small war. We kicked England’s butt, but the war was much smaller than World War I and II. Much smaller. I’ve always thought that the war was too small to be worth a National Anthem. I’ve talked to thousands of people since I became President and they keep telling me they want a better song. And Free Bird is a great song. People love this change.”
President Trump also awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd: “I’m giving this medal to Lynyrd Skynyrd because they are great Americans. But I’m not giving it to the ones who died in the plane crash. But the one’s who survived are great. Far greater than anyone Obama awarded the Medal to.” President Trump also mentioned that the designation of Free Bird as the National Anthem will resolve the recent controversy where some NFL players have chosen to kneel during the National Anthem. “Now that the song is better, I think everyone is going to stand. Who would want to kneel during Free Bird?”
NGEFTO interviewed Cody Lee Sanford of Titusville, Tennessee regarding the change. “I’m freaking pumped.” said Sanford. “This is one of the best things President Trump has done. The old song sucked. You know I love America and I mean I respected the song because it was the National Anthem but as a song it sucked. Now everyone is going to look forward to the National Anthem. It’s going to be the highlight of every event. This bird is free baby!”
NGEFTO has spoken to etiquette expert Geneva Hall regarding the propriety of giving the middle finger during the new National Anthem as is traditional at Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts. According to Hall: “of course it’s okay to give the middle finger during Free Bird—proper etiquette doesn’t mean you throw your common sense out the window. However, your hand should be pointed out, meaning you are giving the finger to our enemies rather than pointed in which, conversely, would mean you were giving the finger to America. It’s really very simple.”
By Louisa Ferncliff, NGEFTO special contributor and former Wichitan
After months of speculation, Amazon announced today that its new headquarters will be in Wichita Falls, Texas. Most, both inside and outside of the industry, were stunned, unaware that this city of 100,000 nestled in the southeast corner of the Texas panhandle in a region called the “armpit of Oklahoma”, existed. Wichita Falls mayor Keith “Duke” Farley explained, “Other competitors were skeptical of our bid—some even laughed about it. But the city council got a serious proposal together. Never in a million years did I think we’d win but who’s laughing now!”
NGEFTO asked Roger Haskins, adjunct professor of Technology in Society Studies at Midwestern State University in Wichita Falls, what he considers to be the city’s winning formula. “No other city has the Professional Wrestling Hall of Fame and Museum and the World’s littlest skyscraper! And the city is zoned strip mall ready. Most importantly, culturally, Wichita Falls is a blank slate. There is no pre-existing culture to contend with. Amazon will be able to mold the city however it sees fit. Although, doing business on Sunday is off limits. Furthermore, geographically speaking, the city is surrounded by undeveloped, flat, treeless land as far as the eye can see. Cheap land that is ready to be developed with minimal bulldozing will be a huge savings for the company.”
Amazon spokesperson Barry Handler added, “I know there was been some criticism of the choice of Wichita Falls as it only has a commuter airport and high winds prevent most of the flights from taking off or landing. However, DFW airport is only 100 miles to the southeast. Our traffic engineers determined that due to traffic patterns, it is actually quicker to drive from Wichita Falls to DFW than from Dallas to DFW. We are also exploring the option of building a high speed rail between Wichita Falls and DFW in the future. The fact that Wichita Falls has been able to handle the crowds at the Professional Wrestling Hall of Fame tells us it has the infrastructure to get the job done.”
In addition to providing tax incentives, infrastructure support and the cooperation of local government, the city of Wichita Falls has also agreed to change it’s name to reflect its ties with the company. After much contentious debate on all sides, the name Amazon Falls, was settled on. Mayor Farley laughs, “Wichita was no good anyway, can’t spell it and everyone always thought we were in Kansas. Now the actual falls are long gone, but it sure sounds pretty.”
Former Wichitan, the novelist Larry McMurtry, who once had a character describe the city as ”the ugliest place on earth,” declined NGEFTO’s request for an interview.
Brad Tallmadge, of Corbin, Kentucky, is dissatisfied with the outcome of American Express’s “You Decide Your Seatmate” contest. Initiated in 2017, the contest grants two lucky winners per year the opportunity to select a celebrity seatmate who will accompany them on an all-expenses paid weekend trip to the destination of their choice. Tallmadge, the lucky winner, selected Jesus to be his traveling companion on a trip to Cancun.
According to Tallmadge: “I thought it was a no-brainer to pick Jesus! Who hasn’t wanted to talk to Jesus?” But unfortunately, things quickly went awry. “I thought Jesus was going to be white. But he is a middle eastern looking guy. And when we got to the Charlotte airport and entered the TSA precheck line, they took one look at me and this middle eastern guy in a robe and they profiled the shit out of us. They asked me several times if we were traveling together and I said “no”—but then I remembered that was what Peter did, and I manned up and told them I was rolling with Jesus.”
After exhaustive screening, the pair was allowed to continue on their flight to Cancun. But on the flight things did not improve. “Jesus kept speaking to me in some language other than English” said Tallmadge. “And one of the guys in first class explained to me that Jesus was speaking Aramaic. But Google translate doesn’t even carry Aramaic! And he didn’t perform a single miracle during the whole weekend! The only good thing I can say about the trip is that a lot of women hit on us—Jesus is really big in Mexico.”
Asked if he would choose differently if given a redo, Corbin offered the following: “Yes, if I had it to do all over again I would pick Baby Jesus! That way you could get all of the good with none of the down side. But even though it wasn’t the dream trip I planned, I am one of the few people that can say they went to Cancun with Jesus. Thank you American Express.”
Step aside Prince Harry and Megan, Duchess of Sussex. Move over Kanye and Kim & Donald and Ivanka. Neil and Daryl are the hot “couples” Halloween costume for 2018! Since the announcement of the surprise wedding of veteran rocker Neil Young and aging activist actress Daryl Hannah, searches for costumes of the pair are blowing up the web.
“This is the perfect couples costume” gushed Diane Bradley of CoolCostumes.com. The Neil+Daryl ™ ensemble envisions Young as a wild-haired, grizzled, beflanneled, rockstar accompanied by a Splash-era, mermaid Hannah. “It really is the perfect couples costume,” Bradley enthused. “It allows the guy to be super-comfy and almost not dress up, while the woman gets to put on a skin-tight, slinky, mermaid outfit. What woman doesn’t dream of being a mermaid? You get to look sexy, and maybe a little slutty, and isn’t that what Halloween is all about?”
While the shock wedding announcement has left some manufactures and suppliers scrambling, Bradley feels pretty good about the upcoming Halloween season. “Of course, the timing of the wedding announcement was not ideal, coming only 6 weeks before October 31st, but we’re going all out to make sure that our Neil+Daryl ™ costume is ready for sale ASAP!” When asked if she would have trouble delivering the ensemble in time, Bradley was optimistic. “It’s all about branding and packaging. We’ve created the “Neil” part of the costume from a mix of slow-selling lumberjack shirts, rebranded Bernie Sanders wigs, and Twilight werewolf fur. As for “Daryl,” that’s easy. Mermaids are trending right now and long blond “beach” hair wigs are always a hot-seller, year ‘round. We are ready to rock you like a hurricane this Fall!”
When asked to comment on the trend, Mr. Young stated: “Our love is like puke; it’s messy, but you feel better when it’s outside rather than inside. Happy Halloween Cinnamon Girl.” Although NGEFTO is struggling to understand the meaning of Mr. Young’s comment, we only report the news—we don’t make it.