On Monday, a group of determined parents from Valdosta, Georgia, once again battled with the Lowndes County school board in an effort to force curricula change. At issue, Lowndes County’s requirement that all students pass Introduction to Football (Football 100) and Practical Football Skills (Football 101).
First introduced in 1937, the two classes were intended to ensure that every Valdostan understands the basic principles of America’s sport. And history has proven their worth, as Valdosta County perennially ranks highest in the nation in football literacy.
However, in the last decade, some parents have challenged the classes because their otherwise high achieving daughters and sons are having difficulty passing Practical Football Skills. The group, known as Valdostans for Fair Education (VFE) are now threatening to sue. As explained by VFE’s President, Dr. Preet Krishnathes: “my Vishnu was a straight A student, who got fives on 13 AP exams, and scored a 35 on his ACT. However, he failed Introduction to Football the first time he took it and only after we hired a tutor and he dropped two other classes was he able to scrape by with a B-. But no matter how many tutors we hired, Vishnu couldn’t pass Practical Football Skills. He is simply unable to understand modern defensive schemes and he kept dropping punts. As a result, he will not receive a high school diploma. I understand that football is important, but is it really more important than an A+ in Calculus BC? I regret the day we moved to Valdosta—if only we had chosen to live in Moultrie rather than Valdosta, Vishnu would be going to Stanford!”
However, at the Lowndes County School Board meeting the Coach of the Valdosta Wildcats, John Grim, gave an impassioned defense of football literacy as essential to an individual’s ability to participate in modern society. As explained by Grim: “If you don’t understand football what are you going to talk about with your family and co-workers during the Fall? When your boss tells you it’s time to move the ball forward, you’re going to think he’s talking about soccer for God’s sake. And how are you going to root for the Yellow and the Black? Are you really trying to tell me that the average American uses calculus more than they watch football? Your damn right football is more important than Calculus BC! We owe it to the children to make sure they understand what they see on their televisions every Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday from August to January. Do any of us want a Valdosta in which no one understands the game? I sure as hell don’t!” After Coach Grim’s cogent rebuttal the Board once again voted to require a passing grade in Football 100 & 101 in order to receive a diploma. There is no word yet on whether VFE will go through with its plans to initiate legal action.
Despite strong competition from North Scranton, West Scranton, South Side, East Mountain, and Minooka, Moosic Street has been voted Scranton’s most scenic neighborhood. It’s the twenty-second year in a row that the local neighborhood has won the coveted title.
On Monday, NGEFTO interviewed Ira Kaufman, America’s top lessee’s rights lawyer, who once again served as the judge for this year’s Scranton’s Most Scenic Neighborhood Competition. “I know it seems unfair that Moosic Street wins ever year, I get that. And my heart goes out to the residents of North Scranton, West Scranton, South Side, East Mountain, and especially, Minooka. But I ask you to accept reality, there simply is no part of Scranton that is prettier than the intersection of Moosic Street and South Webster. It’s just a fact and you are going to have to get used to it-they’re going to win every year.”
On Monday, Fred Curnutte admitted to his wife and the world that in fact, he never had herpes.
“I came of age in the 70’s” said Curnutte. “Everyone except me had herpes. How could I admit to my wife that I was so uncool that no woman had ever given me an STD?” For 38 years Curnutte faked an outbreak once a year to bolster his story. “I pretended to start having an outbreak right before my golf trip and when I came home I would say that I had recovered. I even had my doctor prescribe acyclovir, for God’s sake. I’m not proud of my behavior—but at least I had the courage to finally come clean.”
Fred’s wife, Brenda Curnutte, had this to say: “I won’t lie—it’s going to be hard to recover from this serial dishonesty. But we’ve been married for almost 40 years so I will probably give him a second chance. I’m just pissed at myself for being so naïve.”
NGEFTO contacted John Weber, head of Epidemiology at the CDC, who confirms this is not an isolated incident. “We only know about the tip of the iceberg. We believe that as many as 1 in 10 baby boomers falsely claim that they have been infected with an STD or hepatitis C. The best policy is to trust–but also verify. My advice is to insist on a letter from a doctor that confirms the alleged diagnosis.”
On Monday, Liberty University announced the creation of 8 new full-tuition scholarships that will be awarded to incoming students beginning with the class of 2020. These students will be known as the “Matthew 28:18-20 Scholars.”
According to Liberty University’s President, Jerry Falwell, Jr., these are the first scholarships in America reserved exclusively for first generation Christians. “Other schools give scholarships based on athletics or academics. But that is not what we are all about at Liberty—although we do have a really good football team. The Matthew 28:18-20 Scholarships are reserved solely for children who were raised by non-Christians. And the sole criterion will be—how much do these young men and women love Jesus!”
The creation of these scholarships has sharply divided Liberty’s campus. Many of the faculty, students, and alumni believe that it is unfair for the University to give preference to first generation Christians. “My ancestors were Christians for more than 80 generations” stated Fred Tweedy, a sophomore. “Why should a first-generation Christian get preferential treatment as opposed to me? That’s just not fair.”
However, Falwell vigorously defended the new program. “It’s easy to be a Christian if you have been raised by Christians. However, these kids have been raised by atheists. Instead of worshipping the Lord, their parents worshipped false idols. Some of them were even raised by Unitarians. But despite the fact the deck was stacked against them, these students overcame the odds and found Jesus. That’s what we are all about at Liberty—finding Jesus. Engaging in this kind of affirmative action is the only way we are going to have a level religious playing field in this country.”
However, the strongest challenge to the new program may come from without, as Edward Blum of Students for Fair Admissions has announced that the group will challenge the new scholarships as unfair to multi-generational Christians. Falwell is undeterred: “Bring it brother. I’ll walk into that court room, look them in the eye and say ‘Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world’ and then I am going to drop the mic and say ‘Amen.’ Think about that, Brother Blum.”
Over the course of the last month, more than a hundred students at the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics have developed the flu and many have missed as much as three weeks of school. However, Eric Bettner, the Research Triangle’s highest rated self-disinfecter, has remained healthy throughout!
Once the exclusive province of obsessive compulsive recluses, self-disinfection has become America’s fastest growing sport. Competitors are graded on a combination of the risks they are willing to take and the grace and determination with which they practice disinfection. For example, some competitors seek higher scores by braving riskier environments (think day care centers, pediatric offices, and airports) whereas others choose light bacterial loads and focus on the rigor of their disinfection regime.
Eric combines the best of both worlds. He bravely walks through the halls of his flu-ridden high school every day. And his self-disinfection regime is second to none. He washes his hands more than 100 times a day and frequently rubs Purell over every inch of exposed skin. According to experts, it’s rare to see a competitor so young with so much panache and discipline.
NGEFTO conducted an exclusive interview with Eric’s Coach, Dr. Switzer, who offered the following: “When Eric got to middle school I started to hear the buzz. You know how it is—parents and middle school coaches always want to talk their kids up as the next great thing. But when I saw the YouTube video in which he filled an entire bath tub with hand sanitizer and jumped in—I knew this kid was something special. And when I met him, my initial impression was confirmed—I could immediately tell that his OCD was strong enough that with a little help, he could go all the way!”
After three years of working together, Coach Switzer has taken Eric’s raw talent and turned him into a world class athlete. “Eric and I took his game to the next level with our red-zone disinfection protocol. Before and after every class he wipes his hands, face, pencils, books, and binders with Purell. He takes a shower every morning and evening. He eats with his left hand only and performs all other tasks with his right. The coup de grace was when he started to wear his surgical mask when he walked through the halls at school. This kid has all the skills.”
(At left–actual picture of Eric’s large and small sanitizer supply). Eric is Purell’s first sponsored high school student. In this role, he frequently posts YouTube videos extolling Purell with Aloe, his favorite sanitizer. As explained by Eric, “I love Purell. Being their youngest sponsored athlete is a dream come true. Beware of generic hand sanitizers—they are not your friend.”
On Monday, Kate Kirk took steps to ensure that her grudges against her ex-husband are preserved forever.
NGEFTO interviewed Ms. Kirk who had this to say: “My lawyer asked me not to talk about this. But I’m pissed off and I want the world to know what an asshole he is. And what would happen if I got in a car wreck and died? If there is a heaven or hell, it would be okay because then I will be able to tell even more people, including his Mother and Father, what I really think about him. But what if there is no afterlife—the message would die with me! Think about that for a second!”
Ms. Kirk has uploaded all of her complaints about her ex-husband on to a portable hard drive and has made a bequest to the University of Pittsburgh’s computer science department to ensure that the hard drive will be preserved in perpetuity. As a back-up plan, she has left a written record on acid-free paper, has created a website (www.fuckhim.com), and told her story to NPR’s Story Corps. “I’ve taken every reasonable step to tell future generations that he was an asshole” said Ms. Kirk.
Ms. Kirk’s ex-husband, David Kirk, was given an opportunity to comment on this story but declined.