Controversy at school board meeting

Controversy at school board meeting

On Monday, a group of determined parents from Valdosta, Georgia, once again battled with the Lowndes County school board in an effort to force curricula change.  At issue, Lowndes County’s requirement that all students pass Introduction to Football (Football 100) and Practical Football Skills (Football 101).

First introduced in 1937, the two classes were intended to ensure that every Valdostan understands the basic principles of America’s sport.  And history has proven their worth, as Valdosta County perennially ranks highest in the nation in football literacy.

However, in the last decade, some parents have challenged the classes because their otherwise high achieving daughters and sons are having difficulty passing Practical Football Skills.  The group, known as Valdostans for Fair Education (VFE) are now threatening to sue.  As explained by VFE’s President, Dr. Preet Krishnathes: “my Vishnu was a straight A student, who got fives on 13 AP exams, and scored a 35 on his ACT.  However, he failed Introduction to Football the first time he took it and only after we hired a tutor and he dropped two other classes was he able to scrape by with a B-.  But no matter how many tutors we hired, Vishnu couldn’t pass Practical Football Skills.  He is simply unable to understand modern defensive schemes and he kept dropping punts.    As a result, he will not receive a high school diploma.  I understand that football is important, but is it really more important than an A+ in Calculus BC?  I regret the day we moved to Valdosta—if only we had chosen to live in Moultrie rather than Valdosta, Vishnu would be going to Stanford!”

However, at the Lowndes County School Board meeting the Coach of the Valdosta Wildcats, John Grim, gave an impassioned defense of football literacy as essential to an individual’s ability to participate in modern society.  As explained by Grim: “If you don’t understand football what are you going to talk about with your family and co-workers during the Fall?  When your boss tells you it’s time to move the ball forward, you’re going to think he’s talking about soccer for God’s sake.  And how are you going to root for the Yellow and the Black?  Are you really trying to tell me that the average American uses calculus more than they watch football?  Your damn right football is more important than Calculus BC!  We owe it to the children to make sure they understand what they see on their televisions every Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday from August to January.  Do any of us want a Valdosta in which no one understands the game?  I sure as hell don’t!”  After Coach Grim’s cogent rebuttal the Board once again voted to require a passing grade in Football 100 & 101 in order to receive a diploma.  There is no word yet on whether VFE will go through with its plans to initiate legal action.

Woods Wows the Crowd—But Falls Just Short

Woods Wows the Crowd—But Falls Just Short

The St. Louis crowd was with him, his game seemed on form, but in the end Tiger Woods left Hooters alone, unable to close the deal.

Formerly a prolific womanizer, on Sunday evening, Woods entered the St. Louis Hooters Restaurant having just finished second in the PGA championship.  Sensing that after a decade long slump Woods had regained his confidence, fellow patrons anticipated that he would have little difficulty picking up one of the restaurant’s waitresses as he so often did in his prime.  But Woods committed several missteps at critical moments and in the end, it was not to be.

NGEFTO has secured an exclusive interview with Brandi Jones, age 19, the Hooters’ waitress who was the object of Mr. Woods’ efforts.  Ms. Jones offered the following account: “Oh, it was close.  He’s a good-looking man.  And when he dropped that second-place check for $1 million dollars on the table and asked me if I had ever flown in a G6, don’t think I didn’t consider it!  But the whole thing just didn’t feel right.  Although I thought he was an athlete, I didn’t know who he was.  I was pretty sure that he was that boxer that I saw on ESPN’s 30 for 30 that owned a tiger and was married to Robin Givens.  And that guy beat his wife up so I was nervous.  When I told him that my Dad thought he was the best boxer ever—he didn’t like that.  Then he started trying to impress me by asking if I had seen him win this tournament or that tournament, and it turned out that I was in fourth grade the last time he won.  But the point where he lost me was when he started talking about winning the Masters in 1998.  That was a year before I was born!  Yuck!  When I realized he was older than my Dad, I told him that this wasn’t gonna happen and he got a little miffed.  I made the right call!”

Sir Nick Faldo, the only other golfer to have won five or more majors and to have his car attacked by a golf club wielding significant other (Here), reported on the event for CBS.  Sir Nick offered the following: “We can’t rush him.  I know from personal experience that having an angry woman attack your car with a golf club slows you down for a while.  When my girlfriend attacked my Porsche 959 with a 9 iron, it took me years to get back on form!   But that was a bold move, dropping a million dollar check on the table like it was naught, and I thought “He’s got the old swagger, hasn’t he?” We haven’t seen the last of Tiger—his time is coming soon.  Even though he came up short today, this was a moral victory.”