Despite strong competition from North Scranton, West Scranton, South Side, East Mountain, and Minooka, Moosic Street has been voted Scranton’s most scenic neighborhood. It’s the twenty-second year in a row that the local neighborhood has won the coveted title.
On Monday, NGEFTO interviewed Ira Kaufman, America’s top lessee’s rights lawyer, who once again served as the judge for this year’s Scranton’s Most Scenic Neighborhood Competition. “I know it seems unfair that Moosic Street wins ever year, I get that. And my heart goes out to the residents of North Scranton, West Scranton, South Side, East Mountain, and especially, Minooka. But I ask you to accept reality, there simply is no part of Scranton that is prettier than the intersection of Moosic Street and South Webster. It’s just a fact and you are going to have to get used to it-they’re going to win every year.”
On Monday, Quentin St. Hilaire, Baltimore’s Director of Tourism announced that the city plans to erect a monument to Santiago Luis Polanco-Rodríguez (Yayo) at the corner of Baker and McKean in West Baltimore.
“We’ve had a tremendous influx of tourists in response to the Murder Tour (here) and this is the natural extension of that success. As the first person to sell crack in the United States, Yayo has had a huge impact on the Charm City and we want to recognize his unique contribution” said Hilaire in a recent interview. “And we understand that there are some haters that want to only point to the negative side of the crack industry. But we choose to emphasize the positives, including, the entrepreneurship embodied by West Baltimore’s most important industry. If you can show me someone that has had a larger impact on the economy of West Baltimore, I’ll build a monument to him or her too!”
Local soccer mom, Geneva Hall, says that you can mark her down as one of the haters. “This is even dumber than the Murder Tour!” exclaimed Hall. “What mom is going to take her kids to see a statute of the first person to sell crack in the United States? I’m shaking my head at how dumb this idea is—thank God I can still take my kids to the Aquarium.”
Mr. St. Hilaire provided the following comment on this negative reaction: “Clearly, she still doesn’t see the big picture. Our Murder Tour is now more popular than the Inner Harbor. And I get that she doesn’t like crack—most soccer moms don’t. But putting aside her implicit racism, it’s important that we take ownership of Yayo’s contribution to our local economy. Particularly, before New York wakes up and tries to claim Yayo as one of their own. I’m very pleased that we beat them to the punch.”
On Monday, the Baltimore Department of Tourism announced its newest tourism initiative, “David Simon’s Baltimore: The Murder Tour.”
As many will recall, Baltimore is the setting for two of the greatest shows to ever air on television: The Wire and Homicide: Life on the Street. Written by Mr. Simon, both of these shows focus on Baltimore’s police department and the city’s gritty, drug and crime-ridden inner-city neighborhoods.
As explained by Quentin St. Hilaire, Baltimore’s Director of Tourism, the city has decided to leverage that fame into greater tourism dollars. “We’re already one of the greatest tourist cities in America. We’ve got Camden Yards, the Ravens, the Aquarium, Inner Harbor, and Edgar Allen Poe’s grave. Now, we’re going to take the city to the next level with the Murder tour! I’m so excited about the way that this tour will showcase Baltimore’s best features. We’ll start at the dock and see the actual shipping container where the 13 Eastern European prostitutes were found dead in Season 2. We’ll see the street corner where Wallace was murdered by his childhood friends Bodie and Poot. We’ll see the streets of Hamsterdam where cracked-out zombies wander around. We’ll end the tour at the vacants where Detective Freamon discovered all of the dead bodies in Season 4. And there are too many murders to mention in between. This tour has something for everyone and Baltimore is the star!”
The city is in negotiation with Idris Elba (Stringer Bell) and Felica Pearson (Snoop) to be the official spokespersons of the Murder Tour.
NGEFTO asked local soccer mom, Geneva Hall, if she will be taking her daughters on the David Simon’s Baltimore: The Murder Tour. Ms. Hall responded: “Are you high? I love The Wire and I like Baltimore, but that doesn’t mean this tour is a good idea. Who would want to take their kids to see a shipping container where prostitutes were murdered or to Hamsterdam to see druggie zombies? Or to go to some vacant house where a bunch of dead bodies were put inside the walls? When the Halls go to Baltimore, we’re going to the Aquarium.” Mr. St. Hilaire provided the following comment on this negative reaction: “While I respect her suburban values, clearly, she doesn’t see the big picture.”
Business travelers throughout the United States are buzzing with excitement over American Airlines’ new business class service: CONCIERGE @ HOME™.
For years, masochistic business travelers have paid American Airlines to pretend to fly them to their destination while actually stranding them in the E Terminal at the Charlotte airport. However, in the last decade American has come under heavy criticism due to the carbon emissions from the idling engines of the decoy planes scattered on various runways throughout the United States. Additionally, now that business travelers can remotely participate in meetings through GoToMeeting and Zoom, it has become harder to justify the ritualized process of missing important meetings by pretending to fly to them on American Airlines.
In a bold stroke that is sure to capture market share, American has solved all of these problems with CONCIERGE @ HOME™. With this new service, business travelers never have to leave their house. Instead, they pay American to provide its hallmark shitty service to them in the comfort of their own home.
At a press conference on Monday, Robert Isom, President of American Airlines, announced the new service: “We’re thrilled to offer CONCIERGE @ HOME™ to business travelers. We promise to bring the same shitty service to your home that you have come to expect from us. We’ll play endless messages over a loud speaker instructing you to do meaningless things. We’ll belt you to uncomfortable chairs for hours. Our gate attendants will be clueless yet rude. We’ll refuse to give you honest information about when your experience will end. And when it’s over, you’ll be exactly where you started. I promise that you are going to love CONCIERGE @ HOME™ even more than our regular service.”
America’s leading lessee’s rights lawyer, Ira Kaufman, is thrilled with CONCIERGE @ HOME™: “It’s a clear win-win. I can get the same shitty service in my apartment without having to take a cab to Laguardia! Plus, after the attendant is rude to me for a set period while I sit in a small chair in my kitchen, I can then actually attend my business meeting over the internet! And the environment will suffer no damage. I am so thankful for CONCIERGE @ HOME™, it’s going to be my first option for business travel!”