On Monday, the wildly charismatic Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke provided clarifying remarks regarding his earlier statement that he was running for President as a result of his vision.
“When I first announced that I was running for President, I explained that it was a result of my vision. Unfortunately, many people have misinterpreted my statement and thought I was speaking metaphorically rather than literally. In 1990 I attended a rave sponsored by my former hacking group, the Cult of the Dead Cow. After taking two hits of X and eating a mushroom, I had a vision in which I became the President of the United States in 2020. I am so proud that so many of you have agreed to help me fulfill my vision to become President of the United States in 2020. I was born to do this and my vision confirms that fact. We are going to come together as a country and have a lot of fun too.”
On Monday, the college Quiz Bowl world was rocked to its core as The University of Chicago was charged with multiple recruiting violations. If proven, Chicago’s Quiz Bowl team, 25 times national champion, faces the academic death penalty.
Preet Vishnu, the NCAA’s Director of Compliance for Academic Bowl competition offered the following: “It’s long been the dirty secret of top Quiz Bowl programs that some of them are bent. Just like NCAA basketball teams have turned to hookers and blow to lure top recruits, there are some bad actors in the Quiz Bowl world too. Of course, the enticements are a little bit different. Hookers are still a mainstay, after all, nerds are a lot more likely than basketball players to be swayed by sex but drugs are a non-starter. Many of the top programs have chosen to offer under the table enticements known as ‘nerd candy.’ In this case, Chicago is specifically charged with offering prospective recruits Teslas, dates with cosplayers, first edition DC comics, tickets to Comic-con, lunches with Megan Fox, rides in Stephen Hawking’s wheelchair (which the University reportedly purchased for just this purpose), vintage Atari games, and backdated Google numbers. The latter involves a little known perk in which Chicago Quiz Bowl graduates are offered positions at Google, and their employee numbers are backdated to the double-digits.”
On Monday, Chicago’s coach, Shiva Ramakrisnathes denied the charges: “It’s true that many cosplayers like to date University of Chicago quiz bowl players—I’ve had a number of run-ins with Ant Girl myself. And of course, Google loves to hire our alumni because we produce some of the smartest graduates in America. But we are looking forward to the opportunity to proving that our team’s success is caused by our hard work and brilliance and not through any type of shady dealing. It’s no accident we’ve been national champions 25 times and it’s certainly not due to perfidy. We’re simply the best.”
Emory University is proud to announce that on January 1, 2019, all students will be required to download the new phone app, “Emory Cares.”
Designed to combat aggressive speech, Emory Cares has two main functions. First, Emory Cares disables the student’s phone from typing, texting, or emailing words Emory deems inappropriate for safe communication. Second, it makes it possible for all Emory students to follow the mandatory requirement to report aggressive speech as it occurs by simply pressing the Emory Cares icon. Additionally, when the icon is pressed the phone will go into record mode and document the offensive speech for future disciplinary proceedings.
As explained by Emory’s President, Claire E. Sterk, “This is a logical extension of the Permitted 200. First, we told students what they could say. Now, we will punish those that fail to comply. And we have made it very easy for Emory students to report all instances in which a student engages in speech designed to make another student uncomfortable. Emory Cares is one additional step towards making Emory a place where no one will ever feel challenged by an uncomfortable idea. And importantly, this step shows that once again, Emory is at the forefront of correct thought. We are the only school in America that has an app based reporting system for aggressive speech.”
Although the vast majority of Emory students have embraced Emory Cares, a small minority are protesting the fact that if a student observes aggressive speech and fails to press the icon he or she will also face discipline. As explained by Justin Tucker, the President for Emory Students for Free Speech (ESFS): “I hate to be the person that said ‘I told you so,’ but, ‘I told you so!’ There is a long tradition in Anglo Saxon law that, in most instances, a person is not required to take affirmative action to prevent events from occurring. So for example, if a person witnesses an individual that is about to harm another person, there is no affirmative duty to stop that harm from occurring. This new ‘duty to report’ is precisely the type of affirmative action that is contrary to Anglo Saxon tradition. This is one more step towards an Orwellian University. I’m asking all students to protest by buying a flip phone that does not support ‘Emory Cares.’”
President Sterk offered the following official response: “It’s sad that ESFS chooses the path of aggression. I wonder sometimes if its members might be happier somewhere else, in a school that is, perhaps, a little less Ivy League. I think any reasonable person will agree that this is a small price to pay to make Emory even more nurturing! I can’t wait to see the progress we make in 2019.”
On Monday, a group of determined parents from Valdosta, Georgia, once again battled with the Lowndes County school board in an effort to force curricula change. At issue, Lowndes County’s requirement that all students pass Introduction to Football (Football 100) and Practical Football Skills (Football 101).
First introduced in 1937, the two classes were intended to ensure that every Valdostan understands the basic principles of America’s sport. And history has proven their worth, as Valdosta County perennially ranks highest in the nation in football literacy.
However, in the last decade, some parents have challenged the classes because their otherwise high achieving daughters and sons are having difficulty passing Practical Football Skills. The group, known as Valdostans for Fair Education (VFE) are now threatening to sue. As explained by VFE’s President, Dr. Preet Krishnathes: “my Vishnu was a straight A student, who got fives on 13 AP exams, and scored a 35 on his ACT. However, he failed Introduction to Football the first time he took it and only after we hired a tutor and he dropped two other classes was he able to scrape by with a B-. But no matter how many tutors we hired, Vishnu couldn’t pass Practical Football Skills. He is simply unable to understand modern defensive schemes and he kept dropping punts. As a result, he will not receive a high school diploma. I understand that football is important, but is it really more important than an A+ in Calculus BC? I regret the day we moved to Valdosta—if only we had chosen to live in Moultrie rather than Valdosta, Vishnu would be going to Stanford!”
However, at the Lowndes County School Board meeting the Coach of the Valdosta Wildcats, John Grim, gave an impassioned defense of football literacy as essential to an individual’s ability to participate in modern society. As explained by Grim: “If you don’t understand football what are you going to talk about with your family and co-workers during the Fall? When your boss tells you it’s time to move the ball forward, you’re going to think he’s talking about soccer for God’s sake. And how are you going to root for the Yellow and the Black? Are you really trying to tell me that the average American uses calculus more than they watch football? Your damn right football is more important than Calculus BC! We owe it to the children to make sure they understand what they see on their televisions every Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday from August to January. Do any of us want a Valdosta in which no one understands the game? I sure as hell don’t!” After Coach Grim’s cogent rebuttal the Board once again voted to require a passing grade in Football 100 & 101 in order to receive a diploma. There is no word yet on whether VFE will go through with its plans to initiate legal action.
On Thursday, President Trump signed Executive Order 54943 which removes the Star Spangled Banner as the National Anthem and replaces it with Free Bird.
In a press conference in the Oval Office, President Trump explained the impetus behind the change: “The War of 1812 was a small war. We kicked England’s butt, but the war was much smaller than World War I and II. Much smaller. I’ve always thought that the war was too small to be worth a National Anthem. I’ve talked to thousands of people since I became President and they keep telling me they want a better song. And Free Bird is a great song. People love this change.”
President Trump also awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd: “I’m giving this medal to Lynyrd Skynyrd because they are great Americans. But I’m not giving it to the ones who died in the plane crash. But the one’s who survived are great. Far greater than anyone Obama awarded the Medal to.” President Trump also mentioned that the designation of Free Bird as the National Anthem will resolve the recent controversy where some NFL players have chosen to kneel during the National Anthem. “Now that the song is better, I think everyone is going to stand. Who would want to kneel during Free Bird?”
NGEFTO interviewed Cody Lee Sanford of Titusville, Tennessee regarding the change. “I’m freaking pumped.” said Sanford. “This is one of the best things President Trump has done. The old song sucked. You know I love America and I mean I respected the song because it was the National Anthem but as a song it sucked. Now everyone is going to look forward to the National Anthem. It’s going to be the highlight of every event. This bird is free baby!”
NGEFTO has spoken to etiquette expert Geneva Hall regarding the propriety of giving the middle finger during the new National Anthem as is traditional at Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts. According to Hall: “of course it’s okay to give the middle finger during Free Bird—proper etiquette doesn’t mean you throw your common sense out the window. However, your hand should be pointed out, meaning you are giving the finger to our enemies rather than pointed in which, conversely, would mean you were giving the finger to America. It’s really very simple.”
Despite strong competition from North Scranton, West Scranton, South Side, East Mountain, and Minooka, Moosic Street has been voted Scranton’s most scenic neighborhood. It’s the twenty-second year in a row that the local neighborhood has won the coveted title.
On Monday, NGEFTO interviewed Ira Kaufman, America’s top lessee’s rights lawyer, who once again served as the judge for this year’s Scranton’s Most Scenic Neighborhood Competition. “I know it seems unfair that Moosic Street wins ever year, I get that. And my heart goes out to the residents of North Scranton, West Scranton, South Side, East Mountain, and especially, Minooka. But I ask you to accept reality, there simply is no part of Scranton that is prettier than the intersection of Moosic Street and South Webster. It’s just a fact and you are going to have to get used to it-they’re going to win every year.”