Controversy at school board meeting
On Monday, a group of determined parents from Valdosta, Georgia, once again battled with the Lowndes County school board in an effort to force curricula change. At issue, Lowndes County’s requirement that all students pass Introduction to Football (Football 100) and...
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Moosic Street voted Scranton’s most scenic neighborhood!
Despite strong competition from North Scranton, West Scranton, South Side, East Mountain, and Minooka, Moosic Street has been voted Scranton's most scenic neighborhood. It's the twenty-second year in a row that the local neighborhood has won the coveted title. On...
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Local Man’s Confession
On Monday, Fred Curnutte admitted to his wife and the world that in fact, he never had herpes. “I came of age in the 70’s” said Curnutte. “Everyone except me had herpes. How could I admit to my wife that I was so uncool that no woman had ever given me an STD?” For...
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Liberty University announces new scholarships
On Monday, Liberty University announced the creation of 8 new full-tuition scholarships that will be awarded to incoming students beginning with the class of 2020. These students will be known as the “Matthew 28:18-20 Scholars.” According to Liberty University’s...
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Local Competitor Defies the Odds
Over the course of the last month, more than a hundred students at the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics have developed the flu and many have missed as much as three weeks of school. However, Eric Bettner, the Research Triangle’s highest rated...
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Angry Woman Preserves Data
On Monday, Kate Kirk took steps to ensure that her grudges against her ex-husband are preserved forever. NGEFTO interviewed Ms. Kirk who had this to say: “My lawyer asked me not to talk about this. But I’m pissed off and I want the world to know what an asshole he...
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Racial Tensions Ready to Erupt—Mayor de Blasio Looks for Solutions
For the third straight day, city leaders desperately looked for solutions to resolve New York City’s escalating racial tensions. At issue, the city’s use of the “white man means walk” signal at New York’s pedestrian street crossings. The protests started six months...
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Gates Foundation’s Initiative To Help The Homeless
NGEFTO Special Contributor, Louisa Ferncliff. On Thursday, the William and Melinda Gates Foundation announced an initiative to provide free cell phone charging stations to the homeless. The project will begin its trial phase with five stations being erected in Los...
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Middle-aged Male Make a Wish Foundation Shuts Its doors
After years of quietly working to grant the unfulfilled wishes of middle-aged men, the Middle-aged Male Make a Wish Foundation has shut its doors. Fred Curnutte, the Foundation’s Director spoke to the Not Good Enough For The Onion on Monday. “As the only charity in...
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Middle Aged Man Sues School Board
On Monday, America's best lessee's rights lawyer and local resident, Ira Kaufman, sued the County School Board because none of his teachers had sex with him while he was a student. Given the onslaught of publicity about teacher-student sexual affairs, Kaufman wants to...
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